sending out an s.o.s.

this is not so much an s.o.s. as it is a griping session. i just read some emails from friends in the last few minutes and i suddenly realized i'm in a frustrating situation i can't get myself out of and it's just so... arggghh. i've never griped in this blog so forgive me for this first time. i hate it when i'm helpless about situations, when certain influences around me weigh me down. i'm under such a weight now--i've been in this conundrum since i got back from france, so that makes it around two and a half months na of being shackled.

i've been thinking of possible reasons why i'm in this situation: i definitely did not put myself here so i can't blame myself. who do i blame then? should i start blaming the people around me? i will NOT blame God and i don't want to ask WHY. that's why i'm griping here: some way to release my frustration so i won't be pushed to blame those that I shouldn't and ask the questions i shouldn't touch even with a ten-foot pole.

here's the gist: i'm being kept from doing what i've always wanted to do, what i feel i've been "called" to do... there are just some things in your life you were "created" to do and it's as if you just know that everything you've been through--all the training you've had, all your failures, all your talents and skills, all your relationships--they've all been seemingly orchestrated to bring you to a certain point in your life at a certain time and for a certain "calling" that will seem to bring all the disjointed trajectories in your life together to pursue one single path: your life's ultimate purpose.

...or something like that. basta i feel that the time has come for me to answer this call. all circumstances have been arranged and it seems the only thing i need to do is say yes and participate except i can't because... i'm not allowed to. what makes things worse is that i don't agree at all with the reason given me why i have to put up with this. i would understand if what i wanted to do is not good for me, or if i'm not fit to the task--but it is good and i am. i can always rebel and stand my ground but doing that will alienate me from people i love the most and hurt them in ways i don't even want to imagine. notwithstanding my respect and love for them, however, i don't agree with their reasons--their arguments are more "grudges" than reasons, in my opinion.

still, i don't want people to hurt so i'll just sigh helplessly in this shackled state and wait. beating my arms flailingly against the wave will only cause me to drown beneath it, so i'll just ride this wave: move along with its crests and troughs and just hope that someday this wave will reach the shore and crash against it, shattering into droplets like it never happened. i still have a little bit of patience left, so notwithstanding this griping session i'll probably act and even feel as if this post never happened. however in me i know there's a feeling of dread: the fear that this wait is not going to end.

(by the way i've finished with my compre exam. i should be celebrating. i will i will... give me a couple more hours to get out of this barrel-bottom and i'll be up and running and pulling arms for people to take me to an after-compre movie or dinner. until then, however, i think i also deserve this after-compre wallowing.)